


Panicked

by Write_To_You



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: 5+1, But I did research to make this as legit as possible, Claustrophobia, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hugs, I do not personally get panic attacks, Kidnapping, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, That was a Very Long Tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24980374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Write_To_You/pseuds/Write_To_You
Summary: Five times Caitlin helped Barry though a panic attack, and one time he helped her.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Caitlin Snow
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	1. Elevator

**Author's Note:**

> Mannnn this is a throwback. I wrote this all the way back in 2018!! 
> 
> There'll be six chapters total, and I'll be posted every other day (if I remember! I say this quite seriously- reviews/kudos help me remember the existence of a story I've finished but haven't finished posting XD)

Barry had never had any trouble with claustrophobia before. He was fine in tunnels, in elevators, in caves (not that he had gone into many of those), and had been his whole life.

Then a meta came along and changed all of that.

The meta -named “Mold” by Cisco- could bend glass. It didn’t seem like a particularly powerful ability, until said meta got ahold of bulletproof glass and trapped Barry in a sphere of it. Every second his friends tried to get him out, the sphere got smaller and smaller, until Barry couldn’t squeeze into any tighter of a ball.

Finally, when he thought he might be completely crushed, Caitlin transformed into her alto-ego. Killer Frost froze and then shattered the glass within seconds, saving his life.

Barry probably should have considered the fact that he may have some lingering effects from nearly being crushed to death, but he had gone through some very trying experiences before, and none of them had ever had long-term effects. And, again, he had never suffered from any -even minor- sort of claustrophobia before in his life.

That was, that is, until he walked into the STAR Labs elevator on Friday evening. 

He pressed the button to go down, per usual, but as soon as the doors slid shut something odd happened.

Barry felt trapped. 

He hurried over to the button, jamming his finger against it so hard it almost hurt. It didn’t make the elevator moved any faster, so Barry backed away from the door, hands trembling.

What was happening to him?

He turned around in a slow circle, wondering if the elevator had always been that small.

Then it started to shrink.

Barry let out a muffled cry, falling back on the ground as the walls starting pressing in and the ceiling began to lower. It was the same thing that had happened two days ago, with the metahuman and the glass. How was he here? How could he suddenly bend metal, too?

Barry felt his chest starting to tighten. It was a painful sensation, and he wondered if he was having a panic attack. Was he dying? Barry felt panic rising and his hands clenched into fists, pressing hopelessly against the walls. 

Then the elevator doors slid open. Barry let out a small gasp, throwing himself foreword in what felt like slow motion. He scrambled to his feet and collapsed back down, legs trembling too badly to hold his weight. 

Before he could reach the doors, they started to slide shut again. Barry tried to get up again, but then they closed with a metallic clang and he was once again stuck in tiny lift. 

He shut his eyes and curled into a ball, rocking back and forth in the corner of the elevator.

That was about how Caitlin found him. She had come back from her car, having forgotten her tablet in the Cortex and needing to go back for it. She pressed the elevator button and it opened immediately, revealing someone curled in the corner.

“Barry?!” Caitlin gasped, dropping her purse and hurrying inside. “Barry, are you okay?”

He was trembling all over, face pressed into his arms and whimpering softly. Caitlin knelt in front of him and laid a hand on his bicep.

Barry flinched violently, and Caitlin quickly drew her hand back. The reaction worried her immensely. In all the times that she had patched Barry up, regardless of the immense pain he was usually in, he _never_ flinched at her touch.

“Barry,” she said again, trying to get him to stop rocking and look at her. She couldn’t see any blood on him, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t injured. “Barry, are you okay?”

Barry let out a moan, looking up at her with wild eyes. “The walls- the walls-” he panted.

Caitlin hurriedly glanced around. The elevator seemed completely normal. Could it be that there was a meta nearby that could cause hallucinations? But if that was the case, why wasn’t she being effected?

“There’s nothing wrong with the walls, Barry,” she said calmly.

He shook his head, sucking in a few more quick breaths. Caitlin eyes him closely. Shortness of breath... trembling.... sweating... _panic_...

Barry Allen was having a panic attack.

Understanding clicked into place. She had never known Barry to have panic attacks before, but they could start up at any moment without an obvious reason. There must have been some sort of phantom trauma from getting stuck in the glass dome a couple of days ago. Claustrophobia, maybe. She needed to get him outside.

“Come on, Barry,” Caitlin coaxed, gently grasping his arm again. He jumped a little, but didn’t flinch quite as hard as he had a bit ago. “Let’s get you out of here.”

He was practically dead weight as he leaned against her, letting her help him up off of the floor and out of the elevator. She felt him breathe a little easier as they got outside, his trembling hands on her waist stilling just a little bit into a sort of calm.

Barry sucked in a breath of the air in the parking lot, feeling like it was the sweetest, nicest thing he had ever felt. He leaned against Caitlin as she continued to tug him foreword, out the side door of the parking lot and outside.

It was positively dreary outside. Grey clouds and a heavy mist, cars splashing up water as they raced past, wipers working double-time on their front windshields. Barry tilted his head back, inhaling deeply, feeling the rain drip onto his face.

It was _glorious_.

Once he had recovered himself a little bit, he turned back to Caitlin. She was standing in the doorway, protecting herself from the wet, but she came out onto the small lawn rimming the side door as soon as he met her gaze.

“What happened back in there?” Caitlin asked softly, resting her hand on Barry’s arm. 

Barry shook his head, shuddering faintly. “I.. I’m not sure. One second I was completely fine and the next..... it was like it was the end of the world.”

Caitlin nodded, rubbing his arm. “You had a panic attack.”

“A...” Barry trailed off, rubbing his forehead. “I’ve never.... I’ve never had one of those before. They can just... start like that?”

“Yes,” Caitlin told him. “I think that getting trapped in that glass a couple of days ago messed with your head more then we had thought.”

“But it’s just- it’s just claustrophobia, right?” Barry asked nervously. “So if I just stay out of small spaces I’ll be fine?”

Caitlin bit her lip, hesitating. “I don’t know, Barry,” she admitted. “I mean, you’ve never had panic attacks and this one was caused by claustrophobia, but there’s still a chance that you could get them at other moments. Keep me posted, alright? If this happens again, don’t be afraid to tell me. I can help you though this.... you just have to trust me.”

He smiled at her, face a little pale a lingering flash of worry coloring his eyes. “I promise to tell you.”

“Okay,” Caitlin nodded. “I’m guessing you’re going to run home...?”

Barry shivered a little. “Um... yeah. Not really feeling a car right now.”

Caitlin smiled and gave him a hug. She reached up, rubbing his back gently and he let out a sigh, body going lax. 

After a long moment, Caitlin forced herself back. “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

He nodded, and she reluctantly turned to walk away. She didn’t like leaving him, but she didn’t want to be overbearing.

She just hoped he would be okay.


	2. Overcrowded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for chapter 2!! Thanks for the kudos, everyone. Told you it'd remind me to post this chapter!

It had been Cisco’s idea to go to Flash Day.

The first time Flash Day had been put on by Central City, Barry and Caitlin had both gone alone. The second time, no one went except for Barry, who had to make a brief appearance as the Flash. The third time it happened.... well, apparently they were all going. 

Flash Day had grown since it’s first year. There were now booths along the side of the road, traffic got closed off, and Jitters had a sale on all of its superhero-themed drinks.

Barry, Caitlin, Cisco and Iris took the opportunity to take a break from work and wander around the streets. It felt like the entire city had shown up to celebrate Central City’s hero.

Barry couldn’t keep the grin off of his face. Cisco nudged him and nodded toward a Flash autograph booth, where people were signing “from: The Flash” on people’s paraphernalia. “Maybe you should go make their day and give them some real Flash signatures?” he suggested with a grin.

Nodding in agreement, Barry casually slipped into super speed and signed everyone who was standing in line’s hats, posters, and other wares. 

There were exclamations of excitement in the crowd and Barry reluctantly moved away from the throng of people so that he could get out a super speed without revealing his identity. When he got back to the autograph booth, he found his friends were gone.

He didn’t have any connection on his phone, so Barry began to wander around the group of people in the street, peering over heads to find the rest of his group. He thought he saw Caitlin’s red-brown hair shining in the sunlight a couple yards ahead of him and hurried towards her.

Something on the ground, maybe someone’s foot or a forgotten hat, made him trip. Barry careened foreword and just managed to catch himself before he face planted onto the pavement. His hands burned where they had skimmed the asphalt, and when he tried to get back to his feet someone else knocked into him, sending him back down.

“Sorry, man,” the person apologized. “Didn’t see you there.”

He hurried away before Barry could respond and the speedster got slowly to his feet, rubbing his hands on his jeans.

He hadn’t truly realized how many people were there until that moment. They moved around him like an ocean, pressing into his sides and front and back and basically just everywhere.

A young woman pushing a stroller bumped into him. “Oh, sorry,” she winced, moving around him. Then a group of kids pushed under his arm, running in between the crush of bodies. 

Barry spun around. Where were his friends? For a moment he couldn’t even remember what direction he had come in. It didn’t matter- all he needed to do was get out of all those people. _Right. Now._

Barry tried to push through a group of teenagers all wearing Flash hats. They came him annoyed looks and shifted aside as he stumbled through, only to find that he had ended up in a cross street.

There were people milling around as far as he could see, booths and floats filling up the rest of the space. As his chest tightened and his vision blurred, Barry had a sudden realization.

It was happening again. The same thing that had happened when he was in the elevator, pressed against the walls as they closed in front all sides.

Barry yanked his fingers through his hair, pushing through another crowd. If he could only get to an empty spot, he would be okay. He felt himself starting to deteriorate, hands trembling and sweat dripping down his forehead. Why had he worn such a warm sweater today? The milling bodies were radiating heat, swirling around him and suffocating him... he couldn’t draw a proper breath. He needed air.

Barry staggered and reached out blindly.

“Hey man, watch where you’re going!” a voice called out. Barry mumbled something and attempted to move away, but tripped again. His already skinned hands hit the pavement and Barry cried out, feeling his jeans rip.

Suddenly, there was a hand at his arm, dragging him back to his feet. Barry struggled blindly, sweat dripping into his eyes and blinding him. He was about to try using his speed when a voice broke through his panic.

“Barry!” Caitlin yelled, gripping his shoulders and turning him around to face her. “Barry, calm down! It’s just me.”

Barry gasped in a breath, trying to focus on her as the world swayed nauseatingly. “I can’t- I need to get out-”

“Okay, okay,” Caitlin said soothingly, rubbing her fingers across his shoulders. “I’ll take care of it, just keep breathing, alright?”

She peered through the crowd, then let out a long sigh and yelled. “Medical emergency! Please clear the way! Medical emergency! Make way, please!”

People turned and began to murmur, but soon a small path was clearing through the mass. Caitlin wrapped her arm protectively around Barry’s shoulders and began to lead him through, calling out for a path to be made all the while.

They finally made it out of the brunt of the crowd, coming out at a small park. Caitlin forced Barry to sit on one of the benches. 

“You look like you’re going to pass out,” she said, concern coloring her voice as she dug in her bag for a water bottle and one of his calorie bars. “Just breathe for a second, okay?”

Barry nodded and let out a long breath, taking a sip from the water bottle. “Thank you,” he said one his heart rate had calmed down some and his chest had loosened. “I don’t know what happened back there. One second I was fine and the next I felt like I was... drowning.”

Caitlin sat down beside him, biting her lip. “I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “I should have thought about it. All of those people.... very little space.... I just didn’t think.”

“It’s not your fault, Cait,” Barry said, making sure she was looking at him. “It’s not your responsibility to constantly be thinking about what I can and can’t do without triggering these... things.”

“Panic attacks?” Caitlin supplied.

Barry winced. “I guess they kinda are, aren’t they?”

Caitlin sighed, shaking her head fondly. “Just because you give something a name doesn’t mean it makes it any worse,” she told him. “Whether or not you want to call these reactions panic attacks or “things” that’s completely up to you. But I found- I mean, _read_ \- that sometimes recognizing that you are having a panic attack helps you to clear your head and figure out how to stop it. Maybe try that next time? I’m not always going to be around when this happens, though I’ll do my best to be.”

“So you think...” Barry trailed off, twisting his hands together like an awkward kid. “You think that this is going to keep happening?”

“I don’t know, Barry,” Caitlin sighed, laying her hand across his. “But we can figure out your triggers together, okay? What makes you go into a panic attack and what helps you to stop one. You just need to tell me when they happen, because otherwise I can’t help you. You don’t need to be alone in this.”

Barry nodded, and Caitlin gave him a quick hug as they stood up. “Thank you,” he said again, looking down at her with a small smile on his face. 

Caitlin smiled back and squeezed his bicep. “Do you want to head home?” 

Barry took a deep breath, staring down at the street, toward all the milling people. Even just the thought of going back with his chest clench, but....

“Well, the Flash still needs to make an appearance,” he said, shrugging.

Caitlin grinned and took his hand. “Let’s go, hero.”


	3. Nightmare and a Chicken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NGL there are some parts in this chapter that I still die laughing at to this day XD Enjoy!

It was late, and Barry was tired. It had been a long day at STAR Labs, and he was relieved to run home and crash.

When you dream, it’s hard to tell exactly when in your sleep the dream happens. Sometimes you can wake up from a dream, and then you know that it was at the end, but you have no idea when it started. That being said, Barry felt as though this dream came very quickly after he fell asleep.

_It started as any normal dream does, with something unremarkable about a chicken speedster outrunning him at STAR Labs. Barry, the chicken, and Caitlin all went down to the breach room afterward._

_And that was about where the dream became a nightmare._

_There was a swirling (pink?) breach in the center of the room, and a figure stepped out of it. It was gruesome to look upon; all of it’s limbs mangled beyond any human recognition, face decayed like it had been dead for a long time._

_It grabbed Caitlin, and neither of them had any time to move or cry out before she was suddenly mutating. She let out a horrible scream as her skin became dry and cracked, her bones popping out in sharp ridges along her body, her hair turning grey and every part of her ashen._

_Then she crumbled into a pile of dust, right before his eyes._

_The next thing Barry knew, he was walking with Cisco and the chicken (it was still there, for whatever reason) across rain soaked grass to a black casket that looked suspiciously like his father’s. The rain bounced off the black surface, and Barry was thankful that he couldn’t see the body inside._

_As if reading his thoughts and having a vengeance against him, the chicken ran for the casket and karate kicked the lid open._

_Caitlin’s mangled form lay in the casket for a second for all to see, before she let out an unearthly scream and sat up-_

Barry sat up with a scream of his own, breath coming in pants and soaking in sweat. In a haze of panic, he threw on a sweatshirt and ran toward the graveyard where his father had been buried.

A couple seconds later and he was off again, having checked every tombstone for the name “Caitlin Snow”. Her body wasn’t there. Had she destroyed the stone after she had risen from her casket? Had the chicken flown off with her on his back?

At the thought of the chicken, Barry stopped running. He looked around, completely unsure of where he was, and forced himself to take a slow, deep breath. Caitlin was fine. 

Right? 

With his head no longer stuck in the dream-world, Barry couldn’t help but think back on the moment when the mangled creature had come out of the breach and grabbed Caitlin. It had been completely over-dramatized, of course, but he could still feel the panic that had gripped him when Caitlin had begun to scream.

The panic still gripped him now.

Barry spun on his heel and began to run in the direction he had come from. He began to recognize street signs after a couple of moments, and was able to orient himself enough to get to Caitlin’s apartment.

Barry ran up down the hallway toward her room and stopped outside the door. He knocked, three quick raps on her door, and waited.

It felt like an eternity that he waited, standing outside her door. When there was no answer after 13 full seconds, Barry knocked again, four times.

Oh _God_. What if something _had_ happened? What if the dream had been an omen that Caitlin was going to die?

Barry felt his knees buckle and he fell against the door, head whirling. He pounded on the door again with the side of his fist, forgetting that he could just phase through the wood to see if Caitlin was okay.

Just when he thought he might scream, the door opened. 

Barry all but fell in and Caitlin let out a squeak of surprise, grabbing his shoulders and placing one foot behind her to prop him up.

“Barry!” and “What are you-?” was all she had time to say before Barry and crushed her in a hug and buried his face into her hair.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Caitlin asked in concern, rubbing his back and trying to take a look at him while he was completely koala-ed around her. “Are you hurt? Did something happen? Barry, please answer me.”

Barry’s fingers dug into her shirt. “You died,” he choked out. “You turned into this grey thing and there was a chicken and it was faster then me and opened up your casket, and I think it was working with the thing from the breach the whole time, but I bet it could have saved you and I _couldn’t_ , and you died but then you came back to life and-”

“Whoa, whoa,” Caitlin interrupted. “Slow down, speedster.” 

She gently extracted herself from Barry’s vice grip and led him to her living room. “Stay right here, okay?” Caitlin commanded, and hurried out of the room.

Two seconds later Barry’s throat seized up in panic. Where had she gone? Why wasn’t she back? “C-c-ca-” he tried, before doubling over and ducking his head between his knees. The world shifted dizzyingly, and Barry clapped a hand over his mouth, fighting the urge to vomit.

“Barry!” Caitlin cried as she came back into the living room. She ran over to him, hauling him to his feet and pushing him into her bathroom. Barry fell to his knees in front of the toilet and dry heaved a couple of times, still gasping for air. 

“Calm down,” Caitlin said softly as he gripped the rim of the toilet, knuckles white. “You’re making yourself sick, Barry. Just take a deep, slow breath. You’re not going to throw up, I’m fine, there is no... chicken...”

Her voice wavered a little bit and Barry looked up to see her lips twitching faintly. “Why are you smiling?” he asked, voice rough.

“Because you said-” Caitlin was struggling very hard not to laugh now. “I’m sorry, this isn’t funny at all and you’re suffering and I shouldn’t laugh but you said that a chicken is- is- _faster then you_.”

She doubled over in a fit of giggles and Barry gaped at her. He forgot to be worried, he forgot to be scared, heck, he forgot to panic. All he could see was Caitlin’s sleep rumpled pajama shirt; her dark ringed, tired eyes, crinkled in laughter; her face, devoid of makeup, beautiful. 

“I’m sorry,” Caitlin gasped. “I get a little bit... giggly when it’s two in the morning.”

“It’s.... two in the morning?” Barry rasped, mind dulled from exhaustion.

“Yes, Barry, it’s two in the morning,” Caitlin said gently. Her gaze softened and she pressed her hand against his forehead. “You’re not sick,” she reported after a moment. “Maybe a panic attack, do you think?”

Barry nodded, standing up shakily. Caitlin grabbed his arm to steady him and led him carefully back to her living room. She handed him the glass of water she had went to get him when he arrived, and he drank it slowly.

“Are you okay now?” Caitlin asked him softly. “All calmed down?”

He rested back against the couch cushions, body feeling like a limp wet rag. “Yeah... Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Okay,” Caitlin repeated. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh...” Barry mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, looking back on it the dream wasn’t actually... I mean it was a nightmare but that chicken was just... random, I guess? Basically the chicken beat my top running speed and then we -you, me and the chicken, I mean- went down to the bunker. There was this pink breach and this gnarly weird creature came through and turned you into ash, and then I went to your funeral with Cisco and the, um, the chicken,” Caitlin’s lips twitched once again and Barry winced, feeling very unmanly at the moment. “And the chicken went and kicked off the lid of your casket and you were actually alive and stood up-”

“I thought I had been turned to ash?” Caitlin asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Um.... well, I guess there were some plot holes..?” Barry said weakly. “But when I woke up I went and checked every grave in the cemetery and you weren’t there so I came here.”

“Oh, Barry,” Caitlin murmured. She reached out a hand and gently ran her fingers through his hair. Barry shut his eyes instantly and his entire body relaxed. “I’m right here, and I’m perfectly fine, okay? No one is coming through a pink breach, or any breach, and no chicken will ever be faster then you.”

Barry snorted a little, humor winning out over the drama of the situation. Caitlin giggled a little herself. “See? It’s all good.”

Barry leaned over and hugged her again, and Caitlin rested her chin on the top of his head. Both of their eyes slipped shut, and Caitlin could have fallen asleep if her better sense hadn’t kicked in.

“Do you want to stay the night?” she asked softly, not wanting to break the peaceful quiet. “You can sleep in my bed.”

“I can take the couch,” Barry murmured. “If you don’t mind me staying, of course.”

“I offered, dummy, of course I don’t mind,” Caitlin said, rolling her eyes. “Could you pull out the couch? It turns into a bed.”

“Perfect,” Barry said, standing up stiffly. In a second, a stream of lightning had pushed back Caitlin’s coffee table, pulled out the couch, and arranged a blanket and pillow on it.

“Oh!” Caitlin blinked when Barry came to a stop. “Well, there’s that then.”

“Yeah.”

They stood for a moment, 2am-glazed-eyes staring blankly at the makeshift bed. Caitlin yawned. “Alright, I’m heading to bed. I’ll be right in the other room if you need anything, okay?” She rested her hand on Barry’s forearm and eyed him seriously. “ _Please_ don’t hesitate to wake me up, okay? Promise.”

“I promise,” he said with a teasing smile. “Night, Caitlin.”

“Goodnight, Barry.”

Caitlin headed off to her room with another yawn and Barry collapsed onto the couch-bed. He fell asleep immediately, and no other nightmares plagued him that night. 

Even if they had, it wouldn’t have mattered, because as Caitlin had said, she was right in the other room.


	4. Overworked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote this one first, which isn’t necessarily my worst idea ever. I find that my chapters get shorter and shorter as the story goes on, so here’s a nice longish one as a chapter 4.

It was 9:00 on a Thursday when Caitlin received a frantic call from Barry.

He was hunched over his chair in his lab, gripping the back with white knuckles, the call on speakerphone on his desk. 

“Caitlin-” he choked out. “I think- I think it’s happening again.”

Caitlin immediately stopped working and stood up. “Okay, okay, good for you for calling me. Talk to me, Barry. What’s going on?”

Barry took a shuddering breath. “I- I didn’t do much work this past week because of that meta we were focusing on stopping, and now I have twenty case files to go through. Captain Singh is annoyed with me for being late so often and taking unscheduled absences, and yelled at me to clean up my lab and get the case files on his desk by 3 o’clock this afternoon. And now I’m starting to get really hungry because I used my speed to get through some of the case files this morning. I would go get lunch but I don’t think that Singh will want me leaving with all of this work when it’s not my lunch break, and I can’t flash anywhere without it being suspicious that I suddenly have food. But what if I get so hungry I pass out and someone finds me and brings me to the hospital and they test me and find out I’m a speedster and then-”

“Whoa, Barry!” Caitlin interrupted. “Slow down. I’m going to get in the car and drive to Big Belly Burger and pick you up something to eat. Then I’m going to drive over to the precinct, and while you work through some of your cases, I’m going to start cleaning up your office.”

She was already moving towards the hallway. 

“O-Okay,” Barry said shakily. He took a seat in his chair, legs trembling. 

“Just keep taking deep breaths, alright?” Caitlin continued, not bothering to wait for the elevator and taking the stairs two at a time instead. She accidentally missed the last step and tripped in her heals, dropping her phone the the process.

Barry heard the thunk of the falling phone over the line. “Caitlin?” he said nervously. There was no response. “ _Caitlin?_ ”

Still nothing. Barry gulped, hands starting to shake. What had happened? Was she okay? Had she hung up?

Ideas of impossible scenarios zipped through his head, those of meta attacks and kidnappings, or of Caitlin getting so fed up with his weak, panic stricken self that she had dropped her phone and given up.

He hunched over, head in his hands, breath coming in short pants. There were footsteps in the hall, echoing inside his forehead. Who was coming? Was it Captain Singh? It couldn’t be 3 o’clock already, could it?

Barry forced himself into a sitting position, scrabbling for the nearest case file. The small printed information blurred in front of his eyes and he felt the panic rising higher. 

Suddenly, a voice came through the speaker. “Barry? Barry, are you still there? Sorry, I dropped my phone.”

He released his breath in one, heavy whoosh, eyes watering uncontrollably. “Cait?”

“I’m here. Are you okay?”

Caitlin was in her car now, driving way past the speed limit towards Big Belly Burger. She hoped there wasn’t a line.

“No,” Barry said honestly, gripping the edge of the table. “No, I’m n-not okay.”

“I’m on my way,” Caitlin reassured him. “Keep talking to me, okay? Tell me about what you had for breakfast.”

Barry passed his hands over his face, feeling sweat soaking his hairline. He shivered, trying to concentrate. “I- I had- I had- eggs. I had eggs.”

“Delicious,” Caitlin said quickly. “What kind of eggs? Where they scrambled? Was it an omelette?”

“Uh....” Barry squeezed his hands together, trying to get them to stop shaking. “They- they were fried. I- I made fried eggs for breakfast and I... I had strawberries.”

“Sliced?”

“N- no,” Barry mumbled. “I- I took the greens off and ate them like that. With the egg.”

Caitlin cut the corner and pulled hurried into the drive through. It was, thankfully, empty. “Hang on, Barry. I need to order you some food. What do you want?”

“Um...” He hesitated for a long moment. 

The person on the other end of the speaker asking her what she wanted repeated the question. “I’m just gonna get you a double burger, okay?” Caitlin said quickly, ordering before he could respond. She threw in a side of fries, too, just in case he was extra hungry or she wanted to eat with him.

Caitlin was quiet for a long moment, and Barry stared at his phone, watching the seconds tick by. His grip tightened, and he forced himself to think about the eggs he had for breakfast. What other questions would Caitlin have asked him, if she was here?

His stomach growled. Murmuring voices carried though the door. Somewhere in the distance, a car alarm went off. Traffic rushed by his window. 

Barry tried to breath.

What felt like an eternity later, Caitlin spoke again. “I’m on my way,” she said, racing her car out of the drive through with her fresh bag of food and speeding towards Barry’s office.

Barry felt a keen sense of relief at those words, and let out his breath.

Then a thought struck him. Visitors were against protocol. He had no need for Caitlin’s help, professionally speaking, and no medical reason why his doctor should be coming, unless he wanted everyone to know that he suffered from panic attacks. 

What if Caitlin coming to the precinct put Captain Singh over the edge? What if he fired Barry for breaking the rules one too many times?

Hands trembling, Barry gripped his phone. “C-Caitlin, you c-can’t come here.”

“What?” Caitlin said, confused.

“Captain- Captain Singh won’t want me to have visitors.” More voices outside the door. Barry hurried glanced from it to the phone. He couldn’t imagine Singh being pleased with him taking calls, either. 

“Barry, you are having a panic attack,” Caitlin said firmly. “I’m not just going to leave you there. Besides I went and got you a whole burger. It’s 9 o’clock; I’m not hungry enough for one yet. If you don’t eat it it’ll go to waste.”

The voices were getting closer. Suddenly, the door opened. Barry made a split second decision and ended the call.

“Allen?” Captain Singh called in.

Barry’s breathed ratcheted up a notch. “C-Come in,” he stuttered, smoothing his shirt and trying to wipe the sweat from off of his forehead.

Singh opened up the door and nodded his chin at his CSI. “You got that Marlow case file finished yet?”

“Uh...” Barry hurriedly searched through the pile of finished cases. “Uh- no- not yet.” 

Singh sighed, mouth twisting. “Alright. Well, get it done.”

He was about to turn and leave, but then his gaze fell on Barry. “Hey, Allen, you alright? You’re looking a little pale.”

Fear coursed through Barry. He did _not_ want Captain Singh to know he had panic attacks. Word spread, and if the other cops found out, they might see him as weak. As the wimpy CSI kid that couldn’t even handle his stress.

Barry took a shuddering breath through his nose. His chest felt tight, and his head was starting to spin. He had bounced back and forth between calm and panicking so much during the past couple of minutes that he wasn’t even sure what was going on anymore.

He opened his mouth, throat closing up, trying to say he was fine.

Singh took a step foreword, now looking concerned. “Allen?”

“I’m-” The room tilted suddenly and Barry realized he wasn’t breathing. He sucked in a gasp of air. “Fine-”

“Yeah, you’re not looking fine,” Singh disagreed, eyeing him warily. “You sick or something?”

“N-no,” Barry planted his hands on his desk, shutting his eyes. What would Caitlin have him do? His find was completely blank, filled with the thought that this was happening _again_ , and he _couldn’t stop it_. 

Caitlin was currently hurrying as fast as she could up the steps of the CCPD. She was seriously concerned at the fact that Barry had ended the call, and was worried now that he was stuck dealing with his panic attack on his own.

She flashed a quick smile at a couple of detectives she recognized as she hurried by, wondering for the first time where Joe was before remembering he and Cecile were on a vacation together. 

Caitlin sprinted up the stairs, carefully not to trip again, and shoved open the door to Barry’s lab. 

Captain Singh glanced over when she entered. He was halfway between the door and Barry, who was gripping the edge of his desk in a vice, face white.

“Dr. Snow?” Singh looked confused. “What are you doing here?”

Caitlin ignored him and knelt down beside Barry’s chair. “Barry, take a breath,” she ordered, in a voice she hoped was calm and soothing. 

He turned towards her voice and hunched over, planting his hands on his knees. Caitlin grasped his shoulders, rubbing them gently. “Deep breaths. That’s it. Nice and slow. Close your eyes, okay? Listen to my voice. You’re okay. Everything is fine. No one is upset with you, I brought you some food... you’re going to be alright.”

“What’s going on?” Singh asked, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. “Is he alright?”

Caitlin hesitated a moment, not feeling as though it was her place to tell yet _another_ person about Barry’s panic attacks, but also knowing that Barry never would. It would be good for Singh to know, just in case she couldn’t get into his lab in time to help him. 

“He’s having a panic attack,” Caitlin explained, taking one of Barry’s hands. They were cold and trembling, and she brought it halfway up to her lips before realizing what she was doing and hurriedly stopping. Barry and her weren’t together, no matter how intimate the past few months may have been, and she wasn’t about to take advantage of his weakened state to try anything.

“A- oh.” Singh looked very uncomfortable. “I, uh, I see. Is he... is he going to be okay?”

Caitlin sighed impatiently. “Yes, I just need to calm him down...”

She made the last bit off her sentence very pointed, and Singh took the hint. “Uh, right. I’ll just...” 

He hurried for the door and shut it behind him. Caitlin released her breath and rubbed Barry’s hand between her palms. “How are you doing?”

He nodded vaguely, even though it wasn’t a yes-or-no question. He seemed to be breathing a little easier, however, so Caitlin thought it safe to gently release his hands and lay them back in his lap. She repositioned herself on the ground, knees starting to get sore.

“Barry.... why did you hang up?”

Barry glanced up, eyes a little glazed but with some color back into his cheeks. “I- I- Singh came in and I- I didn’t want him to ask about why I was on the phone with you...”

“Okay,” Caitlin said simply, standing up and coming around to Barry’s back. She reached down and slowly began to work out the knots in his shoulders. He let out a soft moan and slumped foreword. “Next time, it’s okay to tell people that you are having a panic attack. I promise you that they won’t judge you at all. Panic attacks are natural and not uncommon things to happen, and nobody is going to make fun of you or look at you differently if you have them.”

Barry turned to look at her, gaze quizzical. “How did you know that that’s what I was worried about?”

“Because...” Caitlin hesitated for a second, but really it was only fair to tell him. “Because I used to have panic attacks, too.”

Barry raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Caitlin grabbed a second chair and took a seat, feeling like this might be a bit of a long conversation. “I used to have them quite a bit as a teen. I was really shy when I was little, and whenever I would have to make a presentation, it would stress me so much that the night before I would almost certainly have a panic attack. They had gone away for awhile after I started college and gained some more confidence, but they re-started after Ronnie died. It was why I was so terrified to down into the Pipeline when I met you- the last I had, I had had the worst panic attack of my life. Cisco found me passed out on the floor in the Pipeline because I hadn’t been able to calm myself down in time to draw breath.”

Barry sat back, looking a little bit shocked. “I- I never knew.”

“No one did but my mother and Cisco,” Caitlin responded. “I haven’t had one since that time in the Pipeline. When you... when you brought me down there all those years ago... everything changed for me. I was no longer afraid of that place, and my panic attacks just faded away. So I suppose I should thank you.”

“I should be thanking you, actually,” Barry said solemnly. He reached out and took her hand, and Caitlin sucked in a soft breath at the contact. “Every time this- this happens you me, you are always there to help. So... yeah. Thank you.”

She smiled and stood up, pulling him in for a long hug.

When they finally broke apart, exchanging awkward smiles, Caitlin hurriedly grasped at the Big Belly Burger.

“You still hungry?”


	5. Countdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially, I was going to do one where Caitlin got kidnapped... but then I realized that she wouldn’t be there to calm him down. So I went with the next best thing :D

The entirety of Team Flash was gathered in the Cortex, staring at the main screen. On it was the Trickster, laughing his usually maniacal laugh, waving around a gun like it was a harmless toy wand, and occasionally send a quick kick at the form slumped in a chair behind him.

_Cisco._

Caitlin stood next to Barry, her hands in fists and her heart in her throat. Cisco had been kidnapped by the Trickster last night, and they had only realized his absence this morning. Before they could go about trying to find him, the video had popped up.

“Ooooone hour, Flash,” the Trickster sang. “One hours to find your precious little bestie and then he goes KABOOM!, along with the rest of this block.” He paused, grinned at the camera, and waved his gun again. “But not me. ‘Cause I’m gonna be sooooo far away that I won’t even be able to hear you all _scream_.”

The camera blipped out, leaving the Cortex in silence.

Iris took charge. “Alright,” she said, hurrying over to the computer. “I’m calling Felicity to see if she can find a heat signature for the bomb. Then Barry and Caitlin can get over there. One of them can find Cisco and the other can stop the Trickster.”

Caitlin nodded, relieved that they had a sort of plan.

Then, suddenly, the video blinked on again. 

“Oh, _whoops_!” the Trickster cried. “How _embarrassing_ \- I forgot the last part!! If I see so much as a lightning bolt running through the streets, I detonate the bomb. So noooo speed, Flash! That’s _much_ too easy.”

The screen went black and Barry tugged his hands through his hair. “An hour,” he said, voice strained. “We have an hour and I can’t use my speed. Iris _please_ tell me Felicity is picking up right now?”

Iris set down her phone, face grave. “It’s going to voicemail. I’m going to try the rest of Team Arrow, see if I can get ahold of her. If not....”

“I might be able to figure out how to get the heat signature,” Caitlin supplied. “I think I’ve watched Cisco use that thing enough times. I just don’t know... with the time we have...” she trailed off, inhaling shakily. “Keep trying Felicity, okay Iris?”

The female West nodded, and picked her phone back up.

Barry glanced at the rest of them, taking another few quick, deep breaths. “I, uh... need some air.”

He turned and hurried out of the Cortex, the rest of his Team watching him curiously. Caitlin’s mouth pinched. “I’ll go after him,” she supplied, hurrying out of the room before anyone could stop her.

She found Barry in the hallway, head hanging between his arms, breath coming in pants. 

“How’re we supposed to do this?!” he asked desperately, swinging his head to look at her. “We have an hour or Cisco dies. I can’t loose Cisco- he’s- he’s my best friend- I can’t-”

“Shhh....” Caitlin walked foreword slowly, like she was approaching a wild, unpredictable animal. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out, alright? You’ve got your whole team- and you’ve got me. We can divide and conquer, and we’ll save Cisco with time to spare. Okay?”

Barry released a shuddering breath, his hands shaking as they lay against the wall. After a moment he turned and slid to the floor. “I c-can’t use my speed,” he stuttered. “What if I- if I _do_ and Cisco- Cisco-”

“Don’t think about the what-ifs,” Caitlin commanded. She sat next to him and took his hand in her’s, rubbing it gently. “Okay? Just think about right now. Right now, you need to calm down. Right now, you need to think clearly. Right now, you need to breathe.”

“You- you need to go help Iris with the- the bomb heat signature thing,” Barry said suddenly. “You shouldn’t- you shouldn’t be here.”

She shook her head, tucking his head against her shoulder and rubbing her fingers through his hair until she felt him start to still. “Right now, making sure that you’re okay is more important to me. Iris has it covered-”

“Guys?”

Both of them looked up. Iris stood awkwardly in the hallway. “Um, sorry, didn’t mean to intrude...”

Barry stared at her with wide eyes. “What happened? Did Cisco- did something-? Oh _God_.”

He broke off and buried his head into his crossed arms, chest heaving. Caitlin laid her arm on his back, staring up at Iris. “What’s going on?”

Iris‘ forehead scrunched in his concern. “Is he... okay?”

Caitlin let out a frustrated sigh. She got the concern and the worry and the wanting to know what was wrong, but did it always have to happen when Barry was _in the middle of a panic attack_?!

“He’s... yes, he’s going to be fine, just give him a second.” Caitlin forced herself reluctantly to her feet. It hurt her almost physically to leave Barry curled up on the floor, rocking back and forth in his usual defensive position. “What’s going on?”

“I was able to reach Felicity,” Iris said, still side-eyeing Barry as if he was a new and alarming specimen. “She’s working on the signal. I figured you’d want to go change, but...”

“Yes, right, thanks Iris,” Caitlin said hurriedly. “I’ll go do that.”

Iris still stood in the hallway, biting her lip, and so Caitlin grabbed her gently by the elbow and pulled her away. She hated that she was always the one telling Barry’s business to people. It should be him deciding who he wanted to tell, and when, but she couldn’t just leave Iris standing there, clueless. Besides, she was Barry’s family, and at least one member of Team Flash deserved to know.

“Barry has been having panic attacks for the past few months,” Caitlin explained. Iris‘ eyes went wide. “He didn’t want to tell anyone, because he didn’t want people to look at him as different or strange or weak. I am telling you now so that in case it happens again and I’m not here you know what to do.”

Iris nodded, glancing back at her surrogate brother and back at Caitlin. “Is he going to be alright? Like, in time to help Cisco?”

“Yes,” Caitlin said confidently. “He’ll be fine. He just needs a moment to collect himself.”

She started to pull away but Iris caught her arm again. “Thank you for... looking after him like this. Gosh, I- I didn’t even _know_.”

“He didn’t tell you,” Caitlin soothed. “How could you have?”

She pulled away from her friend and hurried back over to Barry’s side, crouching down beside him again. He was still rocking, slower this time, and she was impressed to see that his breathing had started to slow on his own.

“Hey,” she said softly, touching his back. “You good?”

He nodded, trying to push himself up. He legs wobbled as he tried to stand, and he leaned against the wall, eyes shut. “I don’t think I can do this. I can’t go and- and be a hero if I can’t even get ahold of myself when the littlest thing goes wrong.”

He turned back to Caitlin, eyes welling up with frustrated tears. “Cisco is out there, hurt, going to die, and I’m stuck in this stupid hallway with my stupid weakness. That’s what I am- I’m _weak_ -”

“ _Stop it_ ,” Caitlin said angrily, gripping his shoulders so tightly her nails dug into his skin. “Get ahold of yourself! You are _Bartholomew Henry Allen_ , the Flash. You are Central City’s hero. You are _my_ here, and my heroes _never_ let me down.”

He stilled, eyes welling up again, and then all but crushed her in a hug. 

Caitlin hugged him back, even tighter, before pulling back. She smiled gently at him, then pulled down his head so that she could plant a kiss on his forehead.

“Come on, Flash,” she said. “You have a city to save.”


	6. Near Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, I should have posted this yesterday but guess who was nannying and found a newborn mouse in her driveway and had to take it to the Nature Reserve Animal Rescue place ALL WHILE LOOKING AFTER A FIVE YEAR OLD?!
> 
> Me. 
> 
> But hey it was actually a great way to spend the afternoon, especially because it was said 5-year-old's birthday and she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up :D

_Watching someone you care for die and not being able to help is worse then death itself._

The above statement, Caitlin thought, was something that was so true it hurt. Not only that, but she was living it right now.

She was strapped to a chair, her wrists held down by thin, pale blue zip-ties. There had been an explosion- she could feel the after-heat on her cheeks, the dust on her lips, and her ears were still ringing from the noise.

Barry had fared quite a bit worse. 

He had been running towards her chair, going to untie her after taking out the meta human who had captured her in the first place. Caitlin, having overheard the metahuman talking to his cohort a couple of hours ago, knew that the room was loaded with explosives. She tried to communicate that to Barry, but through her gag all that came out were a few muffled screams.

As usual, he didn’t take the hint that something was wrong and kept rushing foreword, over the pressure plate and towards her. 

They had gotten lucky- or she had, anyway. The machine that set off all of the explosives had malfunctioned, and only a few of them -the ones closest to Barry- had detonated.

Barry had frozen up as they exploded, and she had watched him get blown backward as if in slow motion. He flew across the room and crashed through the window, falling the long drop to the pavement below.

It was then, of course, that Caitlin finally got her gag off. She let out the loudest, most broken scream of her life, “BARRY!”

There was no response, save for her cry echoing back to her in a million splintered sound waves: “Barry... barry..... barry.........”

Caitlin broke down in sobs. There was a pain inside of her; a pain so deep and immense that she had almost forgotten she could feel that way. The last time she had felt this kind of pain was Ronnie’s death, all those years ago. Time had made her forget exactly what it was like, and it _hurt_.

Caitlin yanked her arms against the zip ties. They tugged against the tender skin of her wrist, sending rivulets of blood down her hands on a soft cry of pain from her lips. She sagged sideways, in a mess of tears that were coming so hard she wasn’t even making a sound; so hard she couldn’t _breath_.

She was choking on her sobs, her mind rushing from thought to thought. She would have to tell the Team that Barry was dead. There would be no more Team Flash, no more stopping metas, no more soft looks across the Cortex and smiles and coffee when she had a late night. There would be no more _Barry_ , and at that thought something inside Caitlin broke.

She gasped for breath, vaguely aware that her head was spinning and a pit of nausea was growing in her stomach. She hadn’t had a panic attack in nearly six years, and now, when it finally happened again, there was no one there that could help her. The one person that could calm her down was the reason her whole world was crumbling down around her shoulders. And besides, at some points in your life you come to realize that you don’t want to be calmed down. There was no reason left, no will to live, because _Barry Allen was dead_.

A hand touched her cheek. Caitlin let out a gasp and jolted back, pain shooting from her wrists and eyes zipping up to meet the person in front of her.

“Shhh....” Barry Allen, very much alive, cupped her cheek. “You’re alright, Caitlin. You’re okay.”

He wasted no time in cutting her bonds. As soon as they had snapped, Caitlin leapt out of the chair, hunched over, and was sick all over the floor. Barry watched her in concern, rubbing her back until she finished coughing and collapsed back into the chair.

“You- you can’t-” She struggled for breath. “You’re dead- You fell-”

“Cisco caught me in a breach,” Barry explained, crouching down in front of her. “I’m okay, Caitlin.”

She shook his head, face a ghostly color, gripping his shirt. “You- you fell... The bomb... you’re dead.”

Barry’s forehead creased and he, ever so gently, touched her cheek. She exhaled shakily, eyes watering and trembling all over.

“Come on,” Barry said softly, picking her up. “Let’s get out of here.”

He quickly flashed them both outside, and Caitlin stumbled against his chest, still trembling. “You- you-”

“I’m okay,” Barry repeated. “I’m okay. You’re okay. We’re both okay.”

She shook her head, burying her face into his chest and letting out a sob. Barry wrapped his arms around her and rocked slowly back and forth, ignoring the stares from the few people passing by. 

“I think-” Caitlin said, her voice shaky and muffled in his shirt. “I think I- I think I had a panic attack.”

Barry nodded, chin pressing into the top of her head. 

“I thought I was.... over those,” Caitlin said, the disappointment evident in her tone. “I thought I could- I thought I could control it and then it goes and brings me to my knees.”

“You _can_ control it,” Barry told her. “You haven’t had one is such a long time... we’re all weak at some points, Cait. Even you.”

“I thought you were...” She hesitated, voice raw. “I thought you were dead.”

“I know.” Barry pressed his cheek against her hair. “I’m sorry. The explosion blew me through the window and I- I would have fallen if Cisco hadn’t opened up a breach back to the Cortex. I got back here as soon as I could... the blast knocked me out and I was out of commission for a little while.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Caitlin whispered, knowing he was already blaming himself. “You couldn’t have done anything.”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and started to move towards an empty, unobserved alley. “We should get back to STAR Labs and bandage your wrists.”

Caitlin glanced down at her hands. “I- I have a med kit at home... I would prefer to just go there.”

“Okay,” Barry agreed immediately, checking to make sure there was no one around to see them. “Okay, I’ll take you there, then.”

He picked her back and and she wound her arms around his neck, shutting her eyes. They arrived at her apartment in seconds, and Barry set down an already half-asleep Caitlin so that she could unlock her door. She yawned, fumbling with the key, and was soon stumbling into her apartment.

Her shoes came off and were tossed messily over in the direction of the mat. Then Caitlin took of her coat and her jewelry, seemingly having forgotten that Barry was there. He was reminded of the last time he had been here, when Caitlin had been drunk and tired and he had changed her into her pajamas at super speed.

She turned back around, eyebrows raising as if she was surprised to find him still here. Barry wondered awkwardly for a moment if he wasn’t supposed to have stayed, but then a small smile crossed her lips and he could tell she was happy he had.

“Uh, sorry,” she said, twisting her hands together and fighting a yawn. “Can I, uh, get you anything?”

He smiled. “You just worry about you, okay? You look exhausted.”

She slumped, and he went in for another hug. It was only 6:00, but Caitlin couldn’t think of anything else to do but curl up in her bed and sleep until her headache went away.

Barry led her into her bedroom and she didn’t bother changing, just threw on a sweatshirt and collapsed against the mattress. Barry watched her with a faint smile. “You good?”

Caitlin nodded, yawning, and curled into a ball. Barry leaned over her and gently pressed his lips to her forehead. She smiled, shivers darting up her spine. 

“Sleep well, Caitlin,” Barry said softly.

The words were out of her mouth before she knew what was happening. “You can... you can stay. If you want.”

He looked a little surprised, but nodded. They watched each other for a long moment before Barry slowly slipped off his shoes and coat and slid under the covers. Caitlin curled up to him, tingling wherever they touched, and shut her eyes. Her voice was soft as she spoke again. “I’m proud of you.”

Barry tilted his head, looking at her quizzically.

“You kept your cool today,” Caitlin explained. “Even when I was a mess and you were the only one that could help, even with all of that pressure, you didn’t get stressed out at all.” She smiled, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I think that maybe you’re starting to get the hang of fighting these panic attacks.”

He grinned, looking pleased, and bundled her tighter into his arms. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Well of course not,” she teased, laughing. “I _am_ your doctor, after all.”

Barry looked at her seriously. “You’re more then that,” he said. “You’re much more then that.”

“Yeah?” She leaned a little bit closer, eyes flicking to his lips and back. “Then what am I?”

He leaned down and kissed her, and while it wasn’t exactly an answer, that worked, too.


End file.
